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Breaking: Obama Announces Legislation To Change National Anthem!

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

obama-signing-billWashington, D.C. - Breaking from the Capitol Hill, new legislation proposed to update the beloved United States national anthem. Following an extensive weekend at Ultra and the Winter Music Conference, President Obama and his cabinet have been in serious talks about refreshing the image of America to something more modern since it's been exactly 200 years since the Star Spangled Banner was written. steve-aoki Competing for the honor of serving as the nation's new anthem for the following 200 years were One Republic with "Counting Stars", Avicii's "Wake Me Up" and the significantly more energetic Kid Cudi's "Persuit of Happiness" as remixed by Steve Aoki.     The decided new bearer of the honor to represent the Red, White and Blue is Kid Cudi with the appropriately named "Persuit of Happiness." The voting process was a violent one, with 85 people killed and hundreds more hospitalized countrywide due to stampeding voters. steve-aoki-fans There is significant evidence to support the claim made by One Republic and Avicii fans, one of which was quoted as saying "it was an onslaught of bandannas, marijuana smoke and flying cakes. We didn't stand a chance!" bjork-protesters In a slight turn of events, here we see a group of picketers protesting the popular choices saying "Bjork is the best musician alive and only her song Army of Me  should be the national anthem!" and waving her picture and the lyrics to the song in Icelandic. The votes were noted, however, as with all important political decisions the final word is made by congress and the President who has been quoted as saying "...those others are good, no one said they weren't. But just think about it, Pursuit of Happiness!" The rest of his cabinet have been reported as agreeable in this matter. obama-friendly During a speech made to congress, the vice president Joe Biden has been quoted as saying "The lyrics just make sense. Sure there are some things we don't agree with like driving drunk or night terrors, but how about the all-american idea of the pursuit of happiness or the freedom to express ourselves?" When the congressional votes were tallied, "Pursuit of Happiness" won by a landslide of 83% with "Wake Me Up" trailing at a mere 12%. "Counting Stars" and "Army of Me" fell far behind with 4.99% and .01% respectively. And so, history has been written. 200 years of remembering exactly what we stand for, to pursue happiness.  Just remember, you'll be fine once you get it, you'll be good. This is KIRA with OTB News.